When a victim describes their abusive partner's mistreatment to a pastor (or other person), it is not uncommon for them to hear the question, “Have they hit you?” The implication is that if it isn’t physical then it isn’t “that” bad. It is also an ineffective question that will not likely yield any better understanding of the situation, no matter how it is answered. For the person suffering under the oppression of an abuser who manages to avoid being “too” physically abusive, this question will most likely only leave a pit in the stomach.
To make matters worse, many abuse victims will respond “no” to the question, but if we would take the time to gain a better understanding, we may discover that there is actually physical abuse! Perhaps it is pushing them, blocking their movement, threats that include weapons, or other physically intimidating behaviors. None of these will necessarily produce an affirmative answer to the above question, yet they may indicate a situation that is likely to escalate to a lethal outcome. There are many victims have been murdered by an abuser who “never” hit them.
There are a variety of ways in which an abuser justifies or excuses themself, while demanding that the victim do the same. In such a situation, “hitting” may be redefined as “hard enough to leave a bruise” or “with a closed fist.” Within the abusive relationship, it is not uncommon for the victim to be conditioned to interpret all kinds of abusive behaviors as if they are not actually abusive. For example, the abuser saying “I have never laid a hand…” may really mean that the raised fist, veiled references to the ability to kill, or threats to do to the victim what is commonly done to the family pet have all been sufficient to instill the necessary fear. Do not forget that abuse tends to escalate, and more importantly, it can escalate very quickly.
In addition, it is unwise to trust your own judgment of the relative danger that a victim is facing. If the victim believes that they are in danger, you must at least take it seriously and respond accordingly. The fact is that the abusive relational system is often strong enough to hide all kinds of abuse, even very dangerous violence, from your questions. It would be preferable to use a threat assessment tool, such as the Mosaic Method. This is an easy web-based form that can be filled out in a few minutes, and it takes into account many risk factors that need to be considered.
One more significant reason that the question is problematic is that it tends to treat abuse as an event, an occasion of bad behavior, rather than as a relational system. It is important to understand the systemic nature of abuse, and in a previous article we outlined the nature of an abusive relational system and the framework we use for recognizing an abusive relationship.
As always, if we can be a help to your church, please contact us. We would love to be a blessing to you as you serve the oppressed in your community. If you are interested in supporting our ministry and helping us produce more content like this, there are several options for how to donate. All funds go to fund the production of materials to help recognize and respond effectively to abuse and for the operations costs of The Refuge, a place of healing and learning for those dealing with abuse.