They crave power over others and gravitate toward positions that allow them to exercise control over as many people as possible. Those who are variously under the influence of the abuser become a potent force that the abuser can use against a victim, and most of them are not even aware that it is happening. We call them “flying monkeys,” and there are three main kinds of flying monkeys that you may encounter. 

1.) Allies - These are the people who think and operate the same way as the abuser. They also agree with and support the abuser’s sense of entitlement, and they will usually endorse their controlling ways. When they are forced to publicly distance themselves from more socially distasteful methods of control, they will see such controlling behavior as understandable. They will actively participate with the abuser in forcing the victim back into control.One abuser sought counsel from their pastor, who instructed the abuser to make the victim’s life as difficult as possible in order to convince them that God was working against the victim and that they were wrong to separate from, and confront, the abuser. 

This type of flying monkey must be avoided, and no communication of any kind should be offered. There is no good reason to stay in any kind of contact with any person that endorses core values that support an abuser’s actions. 

2.) Sympathizers - These are people who are easily manipulated by the abuser. They will usually have some sympathy for the abuser on an emotional level, seeking to understand what feelings would rationally give rise to their behavior. While they are generally opposed to specific abusive behaviors, they will easily believe the abuser’s claim of innocence until there is irrefutable proof in front of them. 

Sometimes they will have been so thoroughly convinced of the abuser’s basic goodness that they will still believe any of the abuser’s outrageously improbable explanations. If and when they do recognize and acknowledge the abusive behavior, they may see it as something that needs to be corrected, but even then they will often make excuses or minimize the significance of the behavior. Core problems will not be addressed, and they will try to get the victim to give the abuser a “second” chance.

One abuser managed to turn the counseling session into an opportunity to connect the victim’s behavior with past hurts that “triggered” their violent anger. While the counselor did try to correct the abuser’s actions, most of the counseling time was spent on helping the victim understand and sympathize with the abuser’s feelings and past hurts. The victim was convinced to return with the abuser, who then used the entire counseling session as an excuse for repeated attacks. Then they used the counselor’s words to blame the victim for insensitivity and excuse their own mistreatment. 

This type of flying monkey can be given an abbreviated and rehearsed statement that is essentially identical to the one given to the abuser: the abuser has a problem, the victim will never return to that kind of relationship, and nothing short of the abuser accepting full and complete responsibility then showing a complete and sustained change will alter the victim’s mind. 

There is room for understanding how this type can be so thoroughly deceived. After all, the victim was long-deceived by the abuser as well. However, contact with this flying monkey should be limited to the statement and perhaps some resources that might help them see through the lies. In any case, they should never be treated as safe.

3.) Boosters - the difficult thing about this type is that they start out supportive of the victim, but end up as flying monkeys because of a lack of understanding of abuse dynamics. They may initially even encourage the victim in taking action, but they will be swayed too quickly by superficial shows of sorrow and public gestures of contrition. Because they do not have sufficient understanding of abuse dynamics, they are easily manipulated into seeing the victim as unforgiving in the face of what looks like repentance (it isn’t).

One abuser eventually found a sympathetic ear with a mutual friend and convinced them that even though he was “not a perfect husband” he was trying and had shown a humility that was uncharacteristic of their experience with the abuser. This person encouraged the victim to forgive the abuser and reconcile, even while the abuser was threatening violence toward the victim behind the scenes.

This type of flying monkey tries to be sympathetic with both the victim and the abuser. Sometimes they can be provided with education that prevents them from taking a premature position regarding the abuser, and this is usually better done directly with an experienced advocate, in conjunction with specific literature they are willing to read. In fact, many people have become advocates in this way because they had a friend who needed their help. If a previously supportive person tries to push the victim to take action before they are ready and willing, they will need to be treated like a flying monkey. This is also true if they encourage couples counseling or suggest any variation on the idea that it “takes two” to have a conflict (that isn’t true, btw). 

If you have encountered one of these types, the information given to them should be significantly limited, since the abuser will probably try to exploit their relationship with you for information. In their misguided attempts to be neutral, they do not understand that such a position is untenable. It is a noble but ignorant sentiment for those are trying to operate in sympathy to both the abuser and the victim.In a later post, I will talk about how to know that a potential helper is safe. Not all who present themselves as such are actually safe.