You Need More Tools in Your Toolbox
There is some standard advice that is given to those who find themselves in an abusive relationship: 1.) Get help and 2.) Leave the relationship. This is sound advice. However, there are some who are unwilling or unable to do the second of these two steps, and this creates a significant challenge for those who have been approached for help.
First, we know that marriage counseling does not help an abusive relationship, because none of the usual matters under consideration in marriage counseling can be effectively addressed in the destructive environment created by abuse. Second, you do not have two well-meaning people (even if it seems that way). An abuser will use any advice given as a way to further bind their victim to themselves and encumber them with a host of impossible demands. Worse, the advice given will inevitably be used to give the impression that the helper is actually aligned with the abuser, even if the opposite is true.
In light of this circumstance, there are two options for the helper: 1.) Refuse to help unless or until the victim has left the relationship or 2.) Offer what help can be given in the circumstance. The first option is doubtlessly the safest, but it risks cutting the victim off from potential help dealing with their circumstances, and it risks giving the impression that they are helpless. Worse, the helper's silence can be taken by the abuser as a sure sign that they are actually in the right and thus the victim can be left without hope.
This reality can create an even more intolerable situation for those who are actually incapable of leaving, for one reason or another. We have seen cases where the victim is trapped, legitimately needing to stay in order to protect the.children. We have seen other cases where the victim is inextricably dependent on the abuser because of debilitating health concerns. Other cases have been in countries where leaving would put the victim in serious legal jeopardy (we consult with cases and advocates worldwide). There are a whole host of other unusual but similar circumstances. The more disturbing reality is that many of our cases come from circumstances where an advocate, whose only tool is "leave," urged that advice and then ultimately left the victim without resources to adequately deal with the consequences of that decision.
Parents have seen their children handed over to their abuser, unable to answer the legal challenges created by the choices urged upon them by an advocate who didn't consider the long-term implications of the actions they advised. We have seen victims, who were unprepared for the realities of life after leaving, return to the abuse that they had escaped and now deal with the increased control.
The advocate giving this advice does not live with the consequences of the choices they urge. They can not or will not usually provide housing, financial support, job training, payment for lawyers, or walk continuously with the victim for the duration of the struggle, which can last for many years. Even if they do all of this, and it goes well, it will usually only serve to transfer dependence and control to the advocate, which is not good for the victim, even if it seems to solve the problem in the short run. Both the victim and the advocate are harmed by this type of effort.
The advocate needs more tools in their toolbox, which is why we have created the 4 Tools Courses. As a student progresses through these courses, the principles they learn will provide a foundational understanding that will enable them to avoid some rather common errors. If the second possibility of offering marriage counseling yields the predictably bad results described earlier and if the victim is unable or unwilling to leave, what help can be offered while the victim remains in the relationship?
Whatever help is offered, there are a few important principles that must be observed. First, it is important to note that all advice, books, articles, and resources (even good ones) can (and usually will) be twisted and used against the victim. We can frequently tell which abuse books an abuser has read simply by observing how they respond to certain circumstances. However, there are a few principles that can be followed so that whatever advice is offered, it will mute the abuser’s effectiveness in doing so. To this end, any help to be offered must:
Only be given to the one who needs to hear it. (They should never be counseled together, and the advice given should be limited to that person alone, never to be used to correct the other.)
Always respect individual autonomy and never be offered as a means to change the other party. (This a key idea that binds a victim to their abuser: the idea that if they do better, the abuse will cease.)
Avoid correcting relatively minor offenses. (These are often heavily influenced by the abusive environment, and when the abuse ceases, they may entirely go away, or they can be dealt with later.)
Center on matters that keep the victim as safe as possible while they remain. (This advice is significantly different than the advice given once the decision has been made to leave.)
Always prioritize the victim's freedom and never use fear to urge a particular course of action. (They must act freely and with full knowledge of the risks and likely challenges that they face either way.)
Be clearly offered in a way that can be provided and sustained, no matter what, for the duration promised. (Don't offer help if you cannot face the resulting danger or financially back up what you have promised.)
In addition, any advice given to deal with abuse generally must be equally true for both victim and abuser. For example: Love always maximizes the other's freedom and diminishes their fear. Love is always recognized by sacrificial service that benefits the other, rather than in flowery words or empty sacrifice. No one can righteously bear responsibility for the sins of another person or assume lordship over them. No one should be given the control that only belongs to the Holy Spirit.
This type of advice will tend to undermine the abuse over time, and while in relatively rare instances this can be restorative, it most frequently results in the eventual dissolution of the relationship. However, where a victim chooses to stay, that choice should be respected and aided as much as possible. Anything less assumes a role in the victim's life that undermines their autonomy. While they choose to remain, any advice given, individually, should follow the above guidelines and help them maintain their internal sense of autonomy as much as possible.