Early and Decisive is Best

When dealing with abuse, there is a temptation to try and take action and intervene on behalf of the victim. The idea is that if we can effectively confront the abuser, we can get them to change for the better. This approach is usually undertaken by someone in an authoritarian position, who believes that they can provide sufficient accountability to drive change in an abuser, but such an approach will nearly always fail and be held against the victim. It reveals a lack of understanding of abusive relational dynamics, especially the victim's own position in the relationship. 

If the abuser does appear to respond well, the abuser, victim, and the intervening helper all tend to accept incomplete progress as if it is good enough. The abuser goes through the motions, things seem to improve, and the helper often encourages the victim to accept the token changes made by the abuser. As part of this pattern, it is not uncommon for us to hear that our expectation for full repentance is too much to expect as a pre-condition for believing that change has actually occurred. The idea is that since there is some movement toward repentance, the relationship can be restored now that the momentum shifted. This idea is more likely when the abuse has not yet escalated to be obviously dangerous.

The abuser thinks they have achieved "good enough" and now treats their abuse as if it is entirely in the past. The victim is unable to address the continuing effects because it is now treated as though it is in the past, even while both the control and the fear remain. They are left with the impression that they can't or shouldn't expect more. The helper maintains their illusion that they have helped since now the abuser seems to be less physically dangerous. Now that they are using more socially acceptable coercive tactics, the abuse is harder to see and even harder to confront. The victim may feel like things have gotten better, but these changes are usually temporary.  

What can be done? The helper may try to give the victim hope that they can do enough or be compliant enough to get things to change eventually, or the helper can keep the abuser close in the hope that they will recognize their own problem and change spontaneously. The first approach is one way the abuser keeps the victim in the abusive relationship, so it is unlikely to actually help. The second option requires the helper to preserve the abuser's illusion that they are ok, even while they hope to break the illusion. That is unlikely at best. 

The bottom line is that abusers will rarely choose to completely relinquish control in order to preserve the relationship, and as long as there is hope, victims and helpers tend to be hesitant to take such decisive actions as long as things aren't “too bad.” When there is no apparent physical danger, the victim is more likely to be blamed for over-reacting and making it worse, and most victim services are reserved for those cases that are physically dangerous. All of this means there is less support for taking early action, even though earlier intervention is safer (and more effective). 

Ultimately, abuse cannot be effectively confronted by anyone but the victim, but the victim will need sufficient support in order to take action. Doing so is inherently dangerous to the victim at any point in the relationship, but it is usually safer to take action early in the development of the abusive relationship. If their support is indecisive, the victim is unlikely to have enough safety and confidence to do what will be most effective: give the abuser the choice to either abandon the relationship or do whatever it takes to change.  

Hope is one of the most powerful tools in the abuser's toolbox. 

The victim is less likely to act while their hope remains intact. They instinctively know that the chance of the abuser remaining in the relationship and relinquishing control is slight, and they may fear losing some aspect of the relationship. Intervening helpers also tend to know that a decisive and uncompromising stance will ultimately result in the breakdown of the relationship. If they prioritize the relationship, they will cling to their hope and encourage a more tentative and minimalist approach as well. 

The sad reality is that indecisive and incomplete attempts to deal with abuse are inherently dangerous and ultimately ineffective. While hope remains and/or the urgency of an obvious danger is not present, there will not be the kind of social support needed, and without that support, the victim will find themself in the precarious position of hoping that things will get better while struggling to keep it from getting worse. At the same time, the abuser is working to maintain control using a combination of various kinds of fear while allowing just enough hope to keep a victim from taking decisive action.

If we want to support and prevent abusive situations, early detection of abusive patterns is essential, but it is equally important to support the victim who chooses to take decisive action. It is cruel to suggest that no one should ever put up with abuse while withholding support for those who refuse to put up with it, yet this is precisely the experience of many victims.

The Four Tools System was designed to help you identify escalating abuse before it is an obvious danger, and to provide a roadmap for to support victims as they take both early and decisive action. If you want more information, we invite you to sign up for the Introductory Course available here on this site. There are scholarship options available if cost is a factor for you.