Repentance Embraces Justice

Another characteristic of repentance is an interesting word that can be translated in a variety of ways such as: revenge, vengeance, acquittal, or vindication. The range of possibilities is context dependent, but most importantly, the central idea is centered on doing justice. For those who have been falsely accused, doing justice is vindication, and for those who have done harm, doing justice is retribution.

When we consider repentance with respect to an abuser, we must understand that they have a dangerously perverted sense of justice. The abuser asserts themself as judge over their victim, punishing whatever offenses that they have decided warrant it. As long as the victim can be made to believe that this abuse is the result of their own faults, they will be less inclined to confront it, and the abuser will interpret the victim’s silence as acceptance of their absolute right to rule. As a result, they will also conclude that the victim agrees with them and that their actions are justifiable.

To make matters worse, the abuser’s sense of justice is usually both unpredictable and disproportionate. Relatively minor offenses can be treated severely, and other offenses, that might be seen as worse, can be handled with a foreboding silence. In so doing, the abuser may see themself as merciful, when the reality is that they are just storing up offenses to justify their later cruelty. When their anger breaks, a flood of previously ignored offenses will pour out on the victim.

The abuser further believes that they are owed the level of control that they have demanded. This sense of entitlement is so twisted that if the victim questions or resists the abuse, that resistance may actually be interpreted as being abusive! It is not at all uncommon for an abuser to accuse the victim of being controlling when they are simply refusing to be subject to the abuser’s control.

This tendency is exacerbated in religious contexts where there is a defined authority structure, and where that authority is seen as a “power over” those who are to be submissive. Christianity actually undermines this pattern of authority, but many in Christian contexts pervert the patterns that Jesus established in order to perpetuate a satanic form of power and control.

In Mark 10:42-45 James and John wanted to be seated at places of authority in the kingdom, “But Jesus called them to Himself and said to them, ‘You know that those who are considered rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant. And whoever of you desires to be first shall be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.’”

The pattern that Jesus established forbids such power dynamics in Christian leadership. There are no “great ones” in Christ’s kingdom, only those who serve. There is leadership and authority, but those who want to be in leadership will be doing so as a slave, serving those who follow. Jesus, the King of the universe, is their example. He humbled himself to the point of death, sacrificing Himself for the benefit of those who were his enemies, and He gave us an example of humility and sacrifice that provides the foundation for all Christian leadership.

The abuser has two tendencies here that both mangle the Scriptural teaching on this matter. On the one hand they want to take the satanic patterns of dominance that are part of the curse and elevate them as an ideal for a Christian relationship. On the other hand, the abuser will attempt to use Scripture in order to give themself the authority of Jesus in the life of their victim. If this is accepted, it amounts to a form of forced idolatry. In contrast, Jesus came to reverse the abusive patterns inherent in the curse and establish a kingdom of true justice.

No matter how much it may seem to be so, there is no room for the abuser’s authoritarian nonsense from a Christian perspective. The bottom line is that the abuser has a very warped sense of justice. They believe their abuse is right, or at least justifiable.

You can tell a lot about a person by how they justify things that are obviously wrong, and abusers will use all kinds of arguments to portray their cruelty as rational. They will attempt “sin-leveling,” where the victim’s faults are exaggerated and their own abuse is minimized in order to create the impression that both parties are at least equally responsible. If they can manage it, they will try to portray the victim as being the chief problem. In the abusive relational system, this is not difficult for the abuser to accomplish because the victim may actually believe this lie. Even if the victim doesn’t believe it, they may go along with it because the cost of resistance is too high.

Another means that an abuser may use to justify their abuse is to “flip the script.” Here they take whatever complaint is offered by the victim and flip it into an accusation against the victim. A basic example of that might look like this:

Victim: you are being destructive.

Abuser: YOU are being destructive!

Victim: how am I being destructive?

Abuser: you are trying to keep me from leading the family.

Victim: I am trying to keep you from hurting the family.

Abuser: NO, I am trying to keep YOU from hurting the family. You ALWAYS do this. You have to be in control, and you demand everything YOUR way. Why can’t you just let me be the leader, like God says, and just do what you are told…like when you…and when you… etc.(The argument can circle in this way, over and over, until the victim gives in.)

This behavioral pattern can also be used to flip the counselor’s advice into tools of abuse. Here is a generic version of this kind of exchange:

Victim: I am feeling like I am not loved.

Abuser: The counselor said we shouldn’t be self focused.

Victim: The counselor told you that, and they also said we should be able to communicate our own feelings.

Abuser: FINE, then I FEEL that you are self-centered and whining.

Victim: Wait, the counselor said we should only deal with ourselves.

Abuser: Then QUIT telling me I don’t care about you. I don’t understand you at all. You demand we go to the counselor and then you ignore what they tell you. You blame me for everything, and you can’t take responsibility for your own inadequacies. It is no wonder the counselor told you just to worry about yourself. You definitely need a shrink. Don’t bother me with your problems; I am not responsible for your feelings.

The abuser may aggressively play the victim, but they are definitely not being victimized. If, on top of the direct abuse, the victim can be made to believe that the church, legal system, or counselor will side with the abuser (or at least remain neutral), the victim will only anticipate injustice. Under this kind of deceptive oppression, the victim feels a deep sense hopelessness.

A pastor or counselor will not get reliable information from either party. As long as they are counseled together, the power imbalance in the relationship will be difficult to see. As in both of the above examples, the abuser’s behavior tends to put the victim on the defensive and deflect attention away from the abuse. Then, because the victim is acutely aware that abuser will punish any perceived disloyalty, both the abuser and the victim may appear to believe that the victim is the main problem. If the abuser presents as having a problem at all, it will likely be that they struggle with the victim’s problems.

If the signs of an abusive dynamic are missed, it may reinforce the sense of inevitable injustice that has trapped the victim in oppression. Eventually, abuse tends to escalate, and if the oppression is so destructive that the victim is willing to risk a cry for help, it is imperative for the pastor and church to come alongside the victim. That is the whole point of Psalm 82, and passages like it. We cannot follow God and ignore the oppression of those who need our help.

God calls us to “do justice, and love mercy.”

If the abuser is called out for their abuse, their entitlement may manifest itself in a whole host of lame justifications and slippery deflections. They will not usually accept responsibility, but that is exactly what repentance does. A repentant abuser does not seek to avoid justice. Instead, they will turn themselves in, make a full confession, and accept the just consequences of their sin. They will accept full and unqualified responsibility. They will give as much time as needed, even to the loss of the relationship, to demonstrate that they understand the damage that they have done. They will certainly not try to coerce mercy.

The religious abuser, who has been caught, begins playing for this result almost immediately. Demanding forgiveness and mercy from the victim is how they hope to avoid responsibility. Sadly, many pastors and churches have perverted justice by accepting the abuser’s lies as fulfilling this provision. Then they join the abuser in calling the victim to lay aside justice. The victim is shamed and coerced. Police reports are not made, and the burden of dealing with the abuser’s sin has been placed squarely on the victim’s shoulders.

The victim is expected to suffer silently, because if they insist that the abuser be held accountable, then they aren’t merciful or forgiving, and along the way the abuser is given yet another tool for their abusive toolkit. Once the show of false repentance has been accepted, the abuser may refuse to address anything in the past. They may assert that their “repentance” means that the victim should just “get over it.” In such a situation, forgiveness has become a devastatingly abusive perversion of justice.

This is a cruel perversion of Scripture. Justice is not optional, and mercy cannot righteously be coerced or demanded. We are commanded to “do justice, and love mercy.” We are not called to do mercy and love justice! It is a cruel injustice to use mercy and forgiveness to insist that the victim overlook the abuser’s lack of repentance and passively accept the church’s inaction. That is a horrendous dereliction of duty on the part of those who should be holding the abuser accountable.

The word for “vindication” that Paul uses in 1 Corinthians 7 has two prongs. On the one side, a repentant abuser recognizes that the cruelty and abuse they have inflicted on the victim cries out for justice, and they accept the consequences for their sin. On the other side, the victim is vindicated as the repentant abuser tells the truth and acknowledges that the victim is just in their complaint against them.

Beyond this, there are many victims who deserve to be vindicated by the repentance of their pastors and other church leaders, and there are many pastors and church leaders that should confess and forsake their part in assisting or amplifying an abuser’s cruelty toward the victims who have come to them for help.