The term commonly evokes images of a bruised victim of physical violence, but this image is far too simplistic to be broadly useful. The reason is because physical abuse can stop short of leaving visible marks, or the fear of a long-passed incident can remain useful to an abuser, even while they claim that it was an isolated instance in the past. It is not uncommon to hear an abuser claim that they have “never abused” their partner, except for that one time they lost their temper a long time ago.

It is also significant to note that there are other behaviors that can be just as devastating as physical violence. 

For example, many victims will agree that the emotional abuse they have suffered has been far more devastating to them personally than the physical abuse, and this reality has led us to classify various kinds of abuse, based upon the type of behavior that is involved such as: emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, financial abuse, verbal abuse, and others.

In addition to listing potentially abusive behaviors, we can seek to define abuse based upon the effects that it has on the victim such as guilt, insecurity, isolation, and many others. This is important because it is the destructive effect that abuse has on a victim that causes us to recognize particular behaviors as being abusive. For example, when one partner yells at the other, we don’t necessarily assume there is abuse, but when we see the fear that follows being yelled at, we automatically know that something is wrong. It is the effect (fear) that lets us see that the behavior (yelling) is abusive.

So when we look at behaviors and effects together, we are already looking for a pattern rather than an isolated incident. The problem is that the patterns are often obscured because with most abusive relationships the effects are skillfully hidden. The abuser is skilled at hiding them so that they can craft their image in front of the rest of the world, and the victim is skilled at hiding them because they want to maintain some semblance of normalcy or because they are afraid of the consequences of exposing the abuser’s behavior.

Either way, it often takes the victim a long time to recognize the patterns that keep repeating and to acknowledge that they are actually in an abusive relationship. Whatever the reason, both the victim and the abuser are often working to minimize how much of the outside world can see the effects of the abuse, and where the effects are mostly hidden, resorting to the observation of behaviors in order to recognize and respond to abuse can be especially problematic. When we are examining behaviors in isolation, the resulting discussion will likely turn to questions of who did it first or who did the worst. Perhaps the question will be who is provoking the other.

Then, if we take the effects in isolation, the abuser will blame the victim’s reactions, mental state, or competence. On all of these questions, the abuser can often create enough doubt and confusion to escape scrutiny. To make matters worse, if the abuser and victim are in the same room, or if the expectation is that the abuser will eventually know what the victim says, any attempts to deal with behaviors and effects will be inherently dangerous for the victim.

If we could speak with the victim, without them fearing repercussions and without the abuser present, we might be able to describe behaviors and effects in such a way that will encourage them to take action. They might see their relationship as being destructive, and this is the context in which the common “power and control wheel” is very helpful. It describes various kinds of behaviors and effects in a way that an abuse victim can recognize their own situation and then get appropriate help. 

The reason this is effective is because the victim knows the truth about the relationship, but in order to have this conversation, we will need the victim to be safely separated from the abuser.

However, if the victim is unaware of the danger that they are in, or if they are not yet ready to leave, it may be unwise to initiate such a conversation. It can also be problematic if we have the conversation too early, before the victim is able to recognize that the abuser’s behaviors are sufficiently harmful to call it abuse. This is why it is difficult to help until the abuse has escalated to such a point that the behaviors are undeniably abusive and the effects are obvious.

The challenge is for victims and potential helpers to recognize and respond to abuse before it has devastated the victim. In order to do this, we need to be able to define abuse in a way that it can be observed as early as possible, which means we need to consider more information than just behaviors and effects. What we need is a way to succinctly describe what makes the relationship between both the abuser and the victim destructive. In order to do this, we need to see abuse as a relational system.

This systemic nature of abuse can be seen in this very helpful quote from Lundy Bancroft (edited to be gender neutral): “The defining point of abuse is when the [abuser] starts to exercise power over the [victim] in a way that causes harm to [the victim] and creates a privileged status for [the abuser].” (Why Does He Do That?)

You will notice in this quote that what we have previously seen as merely the “effect” of abuse is understood in the context of a particular kind of relationship that is marked by a the harmful use of power. It is also important to note that the mere presence of an imbalance of power is not sufficient to render a relationship abusive. Rather, it is how that power is actually used that makes the difference. This harmful use of power in a relationship is best understood as “coercive control.”

The second relational component in view is that of the “privileged status,” which is often described simply as “entitlement.” This is an essential foundation for coercive control, since it is what allows the abuser to behave in ways that they would never tolerate from their victim. In an abusive relationship, one person has a right to control the other but that right is not reciprocal.

However, even if there is an element of entitlement and control in a relationship, that does not necessarily mean we have an abusive relationship. What happens when this relationship pattern is mutually agreeable and where one person has delegated control and entitlement to another for their own benefit (like a conservatorship)? Provided that there is no coercion and the arrangement is beneficial, such a relationship may not be considered abusive unless and until there is harm being done and the one harmed is prevented from altering the arrangement.

Where a person is using entitlement, control, and coercion to harm another person, you have an abuser, but this still does not necessarily mean that we have an abusive relationship. That requires the presence of a victim who complies with the abuser’s entitlement, control, and coercion. Whether that compliance is the result of force, religious beliefs, fear, past experiences, or some other reason, the victim’s compliance with an abuser to their own hurt is what creates an abusive relational system.

Especially in the beginning, the victim may believe that they have the ability to manage how the abuser exercises their entitlement and control. They may misinterpret these elements as romantic gestures, taking care of them, or protecting them. They may believe that the harm is normal, or they may believe that compliance will allow them to manage the harm. Either way, this is a setup for disaster, since the abuser will always tend to grasp for more control.

In addition, every victim will have a different point of tolerance for what they define as “harm.” Eventually, the harm that is tolerated can escalate to a dangerous level, and this can happen quickly or relatively slowly. Sadly, some victims do not grasp the grave danger that their abuser poses to them until it is too late, and this is why we need to examine the nature of an abusive relationship as it is developing and before it has reached the point of disaster for the victim.

So how can we use all of this information to improve our ability to identify a developing abusive relationship? We can start by looking at each of the above elements in light of the imbalance that exists between the abuser’s benefit and the victim’s experience. To that end, the following tables expose the interworking of these dynamics. They should not be taken as exhaustive or complete representations of every possibility. They may, or may not match a given victim’s experience.

In this example, we are looking at the four elements of an abusive relational system across the top. The center row gives the benefit that the abuser receives from the abusive relational element, and the bottom row describes the resulting hurtful experience of the victim. So, with entitlement, the abuser feels privilege where the victim has a deep sense of injustice. With control, the abuser feels a sense of security contrasted with the victim’s insecurity. With coercion, the abuser has a sense of power over the victim, while the victim experiences oppression. With compliance the abuser achieves victory while the victim only experiences crushing defeat.

At the same time we are looking for these imbalances, we also need to examine the tools of coercion, which operate like relational crowbars, forcing the desired outcome from the relationship. There is the abuser’s behavior on one end and the hurtful result on the other end, and we need to understand the abuser’s tools simultaneously with these two perspectives. The “Four Tools of the Abuser” is a simple taxonomy of abuse that allows us to quickly identify the most common abusive behaviors along with the effects that these behaviors have on the victim.

As we consider both of these tables, there is some overlap between the two, and this allows us to merge the tables and gain a fuller understanding of the abusive relational system, rather than the natural tendency to resort to individual behaviors and effects.

Again, it is important to note that the above table will not be comprehensive, but it should serve to show how the tools the abuser uses to maintain control are reflected in the various elements of the abusive relational system. In addition, we are able to recognize abuse by looking for the four elements of an abusive relationship, and we can see them working together with the four tools of the abuser. Where all or most are observable, you have an abusive relationship.

In the Christian context, there is a pernicious tendency to twist and mangle three biblical teachings that end up giving spiritual cover to the four abusive relational elements. “Entitlement” is claimed under false notions of “headship.” “Coercive control” is wrongly taken as exercising biblical “authority,” and “compliance” is erroneously equated with “submission.” When these are present in a benevolent relationship there may not be harm, and both parties may actually be content with the arrangement.

However, when there is harm, the abusive relational system is deeply entrenched in false beliefs that are very hard to uproot. Even the four tools can be justified by misinterpretation of Scripture. Isolation can be achieved by calling for withholding fellowship from apostates. All we need to do is define someone as an apostate. Deflection can be achieved by claiming that grace and forgiveness should prevent the victim from holding the abuser accountable. Manipulation can be achieved by using the guilt of a sensitive conscience, and intimidation can be achieved by proclaiming God’s judgment against the victim.

None of these uses of Scripture is legitimate, either theologically or exegetically, but a lack of clear teaching that recognizes these false substitutes has left many Christian women in dangerously abusive relationships. Many leaders have uncritically accepted these teachings as biblical and in so doing, they have empowered abusers in their midst. Abusers have used these false teachings to elevate themselves to positions of power where they can soak God’s people for financial gain. The true under-shepherds of Jesus cannot shy away from calling out these wolves, who are devouring the weak under the pretext of biblical Christianity.

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